Pages

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Third

This post is part of a blog series detailing the experience with an unexpected pregnancy and the miscarriage that followed.

Wrong Side of the Statistic
The Third

Big News!
Once we were 2 dreaming of being 3
Then we were 3 dreaming of 4

Now we are 4

And will soon be blessed with one more.
(Ultrasound pic)
So come October, AJ and I will officially be outnumbered!

Surprised?
I debate how much I should share, because one day my kids could find my blog (and know the truth/what I didn’t tell them). I am not ashamed of my blog – it’s an online diary that I choose to share with the public.  It’s not like they couldn’t find a written diary in my room one day and read it.
So I share because I want to document it, I want to remember my feelings, and perhaps, someone out there that reads this went through what I did or is going (or will be going through) what I did.  
So if you’re shocked and surprised by the unexpected announcement, believe me, I was 1,000 x more shocked than you are.
Early in our dating period, AJ and I discussed children.  We both had the desire to have two kids. TWO.  There wasn’t a thought to having one child or having a large family. TWO was perfect for us.  
When Owen arrived, we knew in our hearts, our family was complete. We were whole.
After Owen’s first birthday, we made arrangements to ensure we only had two kids. We followed the doctor’s orders.
Then I felt something different about my body – little bloating, no acne, little fatigue, and not being able to sleep in (even when my oldest toddler did or when the boys had sleepovers elsewhere). So I started thinking, started plotting dates, started freaking out but convincing myself I was creating symptoms – I was being paranoid.  I told myself that it wasn’t easy to get to the point of being pregnant with the boys, that surely, this couldn’t just happen so randomly, so odd breaking, so easily.
So to calm my fears, I bought a pregnancy test. I bought the cheapest one I could find, and I bought just one.  All I need is one to tell me that I’m not pregnant.
So on a cold Monday morning, I awoke for work, and the first thing I did was take the test.  The test can take from 2 to 10 minutes to show up, and I thought making my breakfast and starting my coffee, then come back to read the negative pregnancy test.
But I couldn’t move away from the test…the first thing to show up was the line that differentiates a positive pregnancy test from the negative (line would be absent). Seriously? I’m looking at the test, waiting for the negative line and the control line, and the first thing I see is the positive?!  Shock starts to overcome, but I tell myself all of the lines must show up or it’s a false test…so then comes the negative line to complete the + and then the control line | shows up.
I stood there, staring at the test. Shaking, crying, freaking out. I wanted to throw it, call it a liar, and take another (which I didn’t have). I also wanted to wake AJ up, shove the test in his face and kick him in the rear.  But I didn’t. Side note, Aidan woke up several times throughout the night, and the last time I pulled him into bed, so I didn’t want to risk waking him.
Somehow I managed to get ready for work while trying to hold back tears and stop myself from shaking.  I arrived at work earlier than usual; I could not get out of my house fast enough.  I cried on the way to work.
Thanks to some close friends, I was able to process the news and get a better grasp on my future.  Without them, I’m not sure how long it would have taken me to reach acceptance and happiness.
I sent AJ a message, but unfortunately it did not go through.  So I sat at my desk for quite a while wondering why he did not call.  I understand he’s getting two boys ready for daycare, but I’m freaking out, you have to call your unexpectedly pregnant wife!  
AJ called when he dropped the boys off (which is normal routine), and I asked if he received the picture. Oh, you didn’t? Nope, what was it? Oh you know, just a POSITIVE FREAKING PREGNANCY TEST!                           Silence
AJ was not expecting the news at all – he was shocked too and asked why I felt the need to test, so I reiterated everything I had been experiencing and thinking AF should have been here by now.  AJ said we would get through this, we would find a way.  Then he joked that I would need a minivan.  Laughter is good.
THREE was not our plan.  There were so many things I intended to do this year – mainly all the adventures I was planning with the boys, and AJ and I going somewhere fun to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. I was purging all the baby stuff; I was ready to get rid of two more big, baby items that are an eye sore in our living room.  We had hoped to finish our bonus area upstairs.  So many plans for the future…
The budget was planned around two.  The house was built on the concept of two.  My d├ęcor was nailed into the wall based on two.  When I traded my truck, I made sure I had the ecofriendly, higher MPG smaller SUV that comfortably fit two carseats.  Three won’t fit…the middle seat is barely a divider between two boys who pass food back and forth.
I freaked out, and I cried because my PLAN was intended for a family of four.
But my plan is not written in stone, and I am working on making those changes to my plan. I am happy and feeling extremely blessed. We can be a family of five, we will be a family of five.
At the same time, there’s no guarantee that sometime between now and October that I don’t cry over something petty, like not being able to indulge in an adult beverage on our anniversary or take time off of work to have a family vacation (need to save those days for maternity leave!)


For a while, I kept this quote from a blog I found taped to the bottom of my computer screen at work:

"How is it possible that I am distressed and delighted at the very same time? How is it that as I find myself ready to crumble and feel so heavily burdened, and I am snapped back to reality and understand the blessing that has been bestowed upon me?
Simple: I am experiencing one of life’s greatest miracles. I was chosen out of the other billions of women on this earth to be this little girl’s mother."
6 Weeks
How far along?: 6 weeks
How big is baby?: According to What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Started the week as the size of a Plum and about to be a Peach.
Weight gain?: No gain? I mean, I really wasn’t tracking, but I do have a benchmark now.
Stretch marks?: No
Maternity clothes?: No – I will need to acquire some since I sold every piece of maternity clothing I owned.
Sleep?: Sleep has been terrible.  If something wakes me up, I have a hard time falling asleep.  My mind is constantly running, so I can’t calm down to sleep.
Best moment this week?: Finding acceptance that my life plan was changed unexpectedly.
Worst moment this week?: Honestly… watching the pregnancy test knowing that it would tell me I wasn’t pregnant, and the first thing that shows up with the positive portion of the test.  No denying that I was pregnant. I panicked, I freaked out, I started crying, and I started shaking. (The good news is I moved past denial and being upset within a few days)
Food cravings?: None yet, trying to eat the healthy stuff while I can stomach it.
Food aversions: None developed this week. I will add that I still cannot eat barbequed pork, which started when I was pregnant with Aidan. 4 years! The sight of it makes me nauseous.
Symptoms: Some nausea and morning sickness, fatigue, periods of insomnia
Exercise?: While I won’t quit exercising, I won’t do the strenuous portions of P90x either.  I only exercised a few days because I did not have the motivation or energy to do so this week.
Gender?: Too early to tell.
Movement?: Nope, still too early
Belly button?: Still in
What I miss?: Having a sound plan.  Do you sense a theme? We do prepare for the unexpected – AJ getting injured, that was unexpected. Minor car accident, unexpected, but prepared.  Aidan’s ER visit, unexpected but again, we had means to be prepared.  This wonderful blessing - completely unexpected and unprepared. However, we’ll get there, and as AJ said when I caught him off guard with the news, “We’ll figure this out, we can make anything work.”
What I'm looking forward to?: Not freaking out

7 Weeks
How far along?: 7 weeks
How big is baby?: 
Weight gain?: None.
Stretch marks?: No
Maternity clothes?: Not wearing any, trying to wear the shirts and jeans I love the most before I no longer can!
Sleep?: Sleep was better this week…if my toddler wouldn’t wake me up before 5am, I would have a full night’s rest.
Best moment this week?: Playing at the park with my boys after work!  I love being outside and running around with them.
Worst moment this week?: When the doctor’s office called and told me that my progesterone levels were lower than they like to see. Thankfully, the lower levels can be corrected easily. I feel like I’ve been on a wild rollercoaster ride of emotions over the past week – from freaking out about the pregnancy to freaking out about low levels affecting the baby.
Food cravings?: I really want greasy, thin crust pizza, but I didn’t indulge…too much effort to go by the local pizzeria since it means getting the kids out of the car.
Food aversions: So I made black bean and avocado quesadillas for lunch all week at work. I love these, but by Thursday, I was gagging, and had to throw a portion of it away. Even though I stopped eating it, I still wound up sick.
Symptoms: Some fatigue, little nausea, one case of morning sickness.  These symptoms have not been bad or seem mild compared to my boys’ pregnancies, so of course, that only adds to the paranoia about the baby being okay (ya know, the progesterone levels I mention up there). However, I know that every pregnancy can be different and no symptoms does not mean something bad. I know…doesn’t mean I won’t be paranoid.
Exercise?: Only running after my boys – I go to sleep soon after I put Aidan to bed, which was my work out time.

Gender?: Too early to tell.
Movement?: Nope, still too early
Belly button?: Still in
What I miss?: Coffee – not only as a drink to warm me up and as a pick me up, but helpful for digestive purposes too.
What I'm looking forward to?: To the ultrasound at the end of March when I am 10 weeks.  I can’t believe I have to wait so long (8 weeks with my boys), but I tried twice to reschedule my appointment with no luck.


8 Weeks


A picture was all I could manage at the end of 8 weeks, I no longer felt like I could write a blog. At week 9, I completely gave up on the picture documentation, and at week 10, the news I dreaded was confirmed.

2 comments:

  1. I never saw these posts Diana. :( Gosh. Brings me right back to those first few days and all of the emotions that came along with it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never saw these posts Diana. :( Gosh. Brings me right back to those first few days and all of the emotions that came along with it.

    ReplyDelete