Friday, June 20, 2014

9 Months

I can't believe Owen is already 9 months, and I feel like 1 year is sneaking up on me! It really seems like time goes by faster with two kids.

Owen has been on the move for 6 weeks, and it seems he only crawls faster every day.  He loves to chase after Aidan, and Aidan will even crawl to give Owen a better chance at catching him.

Owen loves the water.  He also likes to chase Aidan in the water, and watching Aidan swim makes Owen really excited.  Owen will put his face in the water, blow bubbles, and bounce off his butt in order to fall into the water (to me).

Owen is also fascinated by Bo.  If he sees Bo, he gets really excited and crawls to him.  He even tries to pull up using poor Bo's fur.  

Speaking of Bo, Owen also say "Bababa" when he sees Bo.  He also says "mamama" when I leave or enter a room, which I think he picked up from Aidan saying "mom" a million times a day.  So I think between Bo and me, Owen has said his first word. I'm going to claim it's "ma" :)

Some differences I notice between the boys at this age...Owen is an experience crawler, where as Aidan started crawling at 9 months.  In addition, Owen is pulling up and releasing his hands so that he is momentarily standing.  Owen also had two teeth pop through his bottom gums; Aidan didn't have any teeth until he was nearly a year old.

Owen is still picky about food, whereas Aidan seemed to be quite the experimenter.  Owen seems to refuse anything I make him...maybe I should add some leaves, grass and rocks into the mix.  Owen still amazes me with the easiness of going to sleep and sleeping a lot.  It's a nice change from fighting a kid who needs sleep but refuses.

Sleeping at a pool party. Loud
noise and splashing doesn't
wake him.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Day I Faced My Fear

The last time I stood up for myself, I put an end to being bullied in middle school.  I vowed to never let myself be bullied again.
But I was…

My character was manipulated, I turned from my values, and most of all, I lost sight of the career I loved. I dreaded work. I know, a lot of people do, but I don’t. I love what I do. I love a challenge, but I also like working on a team, where it’s not us versus them, but instead a collected group working towards a goal that betters the world we live in.

I couldn’t sleep, I bought into the belief that if you weren’t in our small group you were the enemy, and I started to doubt my talents. I had to get out, I had to escape. And I did.

My quality of life increased immensely.  I love my job again, and I enjoy Monday’s…and Tuesday’s, and Wednesday’s, and Thursday’s.

But every once in a while, the evil sucked me back in.  I bought into a fight I knew I had to take on because my mom taught me to stand up for what’s right.  Even though I was free, I had friends who were not.  I had friends who I hope things would be better. I had a stranger tell me that I was wronged and needed to pursue the issue.

So I did.

The fight has been an emotional rollercoaster.  There are wins, and there are losses.  There is time sacrificed, stress, and sleepless nights.  

I have to remind myself WHY I started this fight.

I have to remind myself the FEAR I had.

I have to tell myself that I am NOW at peace, so what do I need to fight? I have accomplished what I intended to do so, why add stress to my life. Why add stress to others’ lives? Why miss out one moment more of my boys’ life?

The day I faced my fear

My raw thoughts from the day I faced my fear

Right now, I am full of confidence and feeling empowered and liberated. Facing the bully was a big fear of mine, and I was nervous, scared, and not sleeping well at all this week.  But now that it’s done, I am on cloud nine.  I AM WOMAN, HERE ME ROAR!

So here I sit, basking in glory hoping not to crash.

I faced my biggest bully ever today, and it feels great.


I cannot tell you how much I was at peace after the day I faced my fear.  There was a large burden that was lifted off of me that I felt the battle was won, not just the war.  Whether true or not, emotionally, I felt I did the hardest thing that I have ever had to face.

I looked at my bully dead in the eyes, though I admit, not at first.  It took me a few minutes to warm up, but once I held eye contact, I was addicted.  I made eye contact until the bully was uncomfortable.  I controlled my emotions when the bully did not. I was in control; this was my game, not the bully’s. I invited a stare down. I pushed buttons. I found the truth.

I did lose control of my emotions, but I surprised myself.  A quick breath of fresh air, and I recomposed myself and kept my emotions in my head and not flowing out of my eyes.  I didn’t need my pack of tissues, I swallowed what emotion I had left.

In the end, I celebrated.  I had the best cold beer I have ever had. I basked in glory, I felt great. I felt at peace, I felt like I had reached the end.  All the momentum, all the hard work, it lead to this…Freedom.

But the battle wasn’t over…

I had more to fight.

But I lost my fight. I lost it because I found closure. I think I even found forgiveness.

Before that day, I lived in fear. Fear of what my bully would say (if I came across the bully) and fear of how I would react.  I conquered fear that day, and I felt so good.  I felt liberated from the bully and my fear. I was so HAPPY.

There were times before I faced my fear that I wanted to quit.  There were times where I wanted to let the tears consume me.  There were times I thought I imagined the situation and didn’t want to believe what I knew was the truth.  I cried happy tears the day I faced my fear.

Maybe I should have held out for more – but you can’t buy happiness, you can’t buy closure, and you sure as heck can’t buy bravery.

So after the day I faced my fear, I felt like I hit the peak and was on the downward decline.  But I didn’t have the same fight or motivation.  I wanted to spend my free time as I saw fit, not wasting it away on a fight I felt I had already won.  

The battle would require building an army, an army of hesitant fighters who would be by my side, but wouldn’t know how they would fare in the aftermath.

The battle would require missing moments with my family, losing time with my boys.  What’s more important in my life? Time I can’t get back? Or greed?

So I decided the battle was over. I conceded, but I didn’t wave the white flag.  I held my win, and with the heavy burden removed, the fear gone, and my wishes met, I walked away. I made the choice. I was in control. My victory was my choice.

So I won again. 
I got my life back, and I couldn’t be happier.