Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Day I Faced My Fear

The last time I stood up for myself, I put an end to being bullied in middle school.  I vowed to never let myself be bullied again.
But I was…

My character was manipulated, I turned from my values, and most of all, I lost sight of the career I loved. I dreaded work. I know, a lot of people do, but I don’t. I love what I do. I love a challenge, but I also like working on a team, where it’s not us versus them, but instead a collected group working towards a goal that betters the world we live in.

I couldn’t sleep, I bought into the belief that if you weren’t in our small group you were the enemy, and I started to doubt my talents. I had to get out, I had to escape. And I did.

My quality of life increased immensely.  I love my job again, and I enjoy Monday’s…and Tuesday’s, and Wednesday’s, and Thursday’s.

But every once in a while, the evil sucked me back in.  I bought into a fight I knew I had to take on because my mom taught me to stand up for what’s right.  Even though I was free, I had friends who were not.  I had friends who I hope things would be better. I had a stranger tell me that I was wronged and needed to pursue the issue.

So I did.

The fight has been an emotional rollercoaster.  There are wins, and there are losses.  There is time sacrificed, stress, and sleepless nights.  

I have to remind myself WHY I started this fight.

I have to remind myself the FEAR I had.

I have to tell myself that I am NOW at peace, so what do I need to fight? I have accomplished what I intended to do so, why add stress to my life. Why add stress to others’ lives? Why miss out one moment more of my boys’ life?

The day I faced my fear

My raw thoughts from the day I faced my fear

Right now, I am full of confidence and feeling empowered and liberated. Facing the bully was a big fear of mine, and I was nervous, scared, and not sleeping well at all this week.  But now that it’s done, I am on cloud nine.  I AM WOMAN, HERE ME ROAR!

So here I sit, basking in glory hoping not to crash.

I faced my biggest bully ever today, and it feels great.


I cannot tell you how much I was at peace after the day I faced my fear.  There was a large burden that was lifted off of me that I felt the battle was won, not just the war.  Whether true or not, emotionally, I felt I did the hardest thing that I have ever had to face.

I looked at my bully dead in the eyes, though I admit, not at first.  It took me a few minutes to warm up, but once I held eye contact, I was addicted.  I made eye contact until the bully was uncomfortable.  I controlled my emotions when the bully did not. I was in control; this was my game, not the bully’s. I invited a stare down. I pushed buttons. I found the truth.

I did lose control of my emotions, but I surprised myself.  A quick breath of fresh air, and I recomposed myself and kept my emotions in my head and not flowing out of my eyes.  I didn’t need my pack of tissues, I swallowed what emotion I had left.

In the end, I celebrated.  I had the best cold beer I have ever had. I basked in glory, I felt great. I felt at peace, I felt like I had reached the end.  All the momentum, all the hard work, it lead to this…Freedom.

But the battle wasn’t over…

I had more to fight.

But I lost my fight. I lost it because I found closure. I think I even found forgiveness.

Before that day, I lived in fear. Fear of what my bully would say (if I came across the bully) and fear of how I would react.  I conquered fear that day, and I felt so good.  I felt liberated from the bully and my fear. I was so HAPPY.

There were times before I faced my fear that I wanted to quit.  There were times where I wanted to let the tears consume me.  There were times I thought I imagined the situation and didn’t want to believe what I knew was the truth.  I cried happy tears the day I faced my fear.

Maybe I should have held out for more – but you can’t buy happiness, you can’t buy closure, and you sure as heck can’t buy bravery.

So after the day I faced my fear, I felt like I hit the peak and was on the downward decline.  But I didn’t have the same fight or motivation.  I wanted to spend my free time as I saw fit, not wasting it away on a fight I felt I had already won.  

The battle would require building an army, an army of hesitant fighters who would be by my side, but wouldn’t know how they would fare in the aftermath.

The battle would require missing moments with my family, losing time with my boys.  What’s more important in my life? Time I can’t get back? Or greed?

So I decided the battle was over. I conceded, but I didn’t wave the white flag.  I held my win, and with the heavy burden removed, the fear gone, and my wishes met, I walked away. I made the choice. I was in control. My victory was my choice.

So I won again. 
I got my life back, and I couldn’t be happier.

1 comment:

  1. This is my favorite line: "But I lost my fight. I lost it because I found closure. I think I even found forgiveness." Love you Strong Diana, -KB