Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Living with Chaos

This post is part of a blog series detailing the experience with an unexpected pregnancy and the miscarriage that followed.

Living with Chaos

I’m in this weird place since the pregnancy/miscarriage.  The pregnancy shook up life as I knew it.

I like order.
I like planned things.
I like even numbers.
I like tucked in shirts with belts in belt loops.
I like consistency.
I need a routine.

When I found out I was pregnant, I worried about my lack of vitamin intake especially folic acid (even though I average eating 6 oranges a week). I worried about my night out with girlfriends where I had margaritas and beer.  I worried about my exposure to an X ray.  

Then I worried about the petty stuff – like how will I get my body back after a third kid, will I have time to work out, will this be the baby that gives me stretch marks, and will this be the baby that causes hemorrhoids that finally require actual surgery?

But I would trade all those worries and all those petty things to have the baby I lost. I would gain all the weight in the world if it meant I was still growing a baby today.  But I can’t change what happened, no matter what I worried about, nothing would have changed the outcome.  The outcome was decided before I even saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test.

Even though I would do anything to change what happened, we won’t pursue a third.  I found my peace, and while the void in my heart will always remain, I found a way to cope with her presence elsewhere.

She pushed my boundaries from day one.  She made me cope with the number 3 (and 5).

I began to accept I would combine the boy’s clothes into one closet, and I might not be able to keep them sorted by use and color.  

I accepted that 2 would be in one room and 1 would be in another room.  I accepted the unbalanced scenario.

I accepted that d├ęcor laid out with two in mind would need to be modified for three.

She pushed me into a world of chaos, and I don’t know how to nor do I want to escape it.

So I’m trying new things. I feel compelled to do so, and I have never felt like this.

Natural Hair, Non polo shirt, colorful
necklace and untucked shirt without
a belt
Not straigtening my hair -  It took a lot of effort and willpower to try and leave my hair natural, which by the way, takes less work physically but mentally is draining. Hah.  My natural hair has no order, whereas neatly straightened hair does (in my mind).

I sometimes trade in my Pandora necklace for something of color, something that compliments the shirt I’m wearing.  Or at least I think they compliment the shirt…Pinterest better not fail me.

I’ve embraced a lot more (work) shirts that aren’t collared, aka “Polo” shirts.  I sent a lot of polos to Goodwill and stocked up on new types of shirts.  Blouses are the more technical term, I suppose.

Sometimes, I don’t wear a belt, and I’m OKAY with it.  Being okay with not wearing a belt is a tremendous step for me, whether it’s the right direction or not, I’m living in a new world.

I bought ballet type shoes, I have never owned these nor desired to own these, but I felt like I needed them.  One pair is orange (surprise!) and the other is blue and green patterned.  Patterned shoes?! Only cowboy boots were allowed to have patterns.

I’m not ready for my closet to be in a disorganized fashion.
I’m not ready to accept that it is okay to be late (on the very, very rare occasion).
I’m not prepared to mix my food or having it touch or eating different colored candies together.
But I am open to relinquishing some control and letting go of some of those oddities I felt I need to live with everyday.  Maybe I’ll go grocery shopping on a Tuesday…break my routine a little bit.

I’m living in chaos, and I’m okay being here.  I know where this Diana came from, for she drove me here, but I don’t know how this Diana makes these choices so easily now.


  1. You're beautiful! So you want to go purse shopping?

  2. Such a beautiful way to reference the impact of our little ones (whether living, passed, or frozen) even if we haven't or may never meet them in this life. They all have the power to change us and mold us into (what I believe is) God's plans for our lives. The superficial changes are signs of much deeper change as you so eloquently put it. We are also in the midst of trying to find reasons for pain in our lives. What a great reminder. Thank you for being so open about your story.