This post is part of a blog series detailing the experience with an unexpected pregnancy and the miscarriage that followed.
Just like the days leading up to the pregnancy test, the days leading up to my 10 week ultrasound, I was hoping that I would be proven crazy.
I had hoped that I was wrong about my instincts, I had to be crazy because somewhere deep down inside of me, I hadn’t fully accepted this pregnancy. Where else would these thoughts and this anxiety come from? Surely it was just disbelief speaking but it wasn’t true, couldn’t be true, we were IN LOVE with this baby, we were planning for this baby.
I was experiencing sensitive teeth and gums, bloody noses, the silly wispy hair, the crazy pregnancy dreams, and not being able to sleep in
What I wasn’t experiencing any more was fatigue, nausea, or super smelling capabilities. These were key in both of my pregnancies, especially fatigue.
Week 7 passed by, and I thought, fatigue is coming.
I remember falling asleep on the car ride to my sister’s wedding shower when I was pregnant with Aidan (I was a passenger!). I remember sleeping again at the wedding shower while I waited for guests to show. I was just over 8 weeks. So week 9, right, week 9, fatigue will show up.
I remember with both of my pregnancies being so tired after work that I had to fight off fatigue on my way home. I wasn’t experiencing this…I had too much energy for a body that was supposed to be growing a baby.
I wasn’t sleeping well, worrying, bad thoughts, bad dreams, but I wanted to believe fatigue was on its way.
I had two nightmares – one where I woke up to a miscarriage that had happened and the next night, I dreamt the doctor told me bad news, and I followed it up with dinner and drinks with my parents. Side note, I had been to an adult birthday party where everyone was drinking these lovely green margaritas, and I could just taste them by smelling a whiff of one, which is why I think this showed up in my nightmare when I received the bad news.
Mentally, for two weeks, I had been withdrawing from this pregnancy…trying to be cautious with my heart but telling myself I’m crazy and kept on planning for this baby. I had two healthy pregnancies, surely I wouldn’t have a miscarriage.
So at 10 weeks, I went in for my ultrasound. AJ wasn’t sure if he could make, but given my lack of optimism, I knew I needed him there just in case…but the U/S was going to confirm I was crazy and everything was okay and the baby was growing, right?!
Wrong.
The tech and I laughed about and agreed this little baby was meant to be if it beat the odds that it did. Little did she know I was extremely paranoid that she was going to confirm my worse fear, so her joking around and making comments really eased my mind.
AJ made it just in time – he came in to see the U/S tech hand down there moving the instrument around taking measurements. She took longer than I remember any of the techs before when conducting the initial pregnancy U/S. So I felt relief, surely there must be something to measure, though she didn’t stop to show me the heartbeat like the previous tech’s did with my other pregnancies…
Then she told me “Your baby is not 10 weeks like you thought, it’s more like 5 to 6 weeks.” No heartbeat, nothing to really look at the screen, no pictures to take home…well none that we would want to take home.
I found out shortly after 5 weeks, my fatigue and nausea symptoms stopped around 6 weeks. If I was 5 to 6 weeks, that means when I came in over 4 weeks ago to confirm the pregnancy with a blood/urine tests, I would have been less than two weeks pregnant. The freaking positive line on the store brand test was the first thing to show and a very dark line, NO WAY was I two weeks pregnant staring at a positive pregnancy test.
There can be a week or so difference between the U/S and where I should be growth wise. So the OB tried to remain optimistic, he wanted to see me back in a week for another U/S to see if the baby grew more.
I joked, I told him I had planned on telling him that this was absolutely his last chance to deliver one of my babies. He missed the actual delivery because my boys came on the weekend, and he was not on weekend duty at the time.
He joked that he plans (see, Mr. GottabeOptimistic) to induce me earlier so he can deliver my baby.
I never made it to the appointment, not pregnant at least.
I miscarried naturally starting around 8 PM on April 3rd and done around 4 am on April 4th. I’m fortunate this occurred while I was at home, my boys were in bed, and AJ was home.
At work, I thought I would be prepared for this miscarriage happening, spare clothes and pads. I thought it would be a heavy menstrual cycle. I thought
There’s no stopping a miscarriage and the body pushing the contents of your uterus out. I don’t care if you do 10,000 kegels a day, those muscles are going to push not contract. If I was anywhere besides home, I wouldn’t have made it home, my car would have been a mess. I didn’t sleep much between 8 and 4. I’d start to drift off and then feel my body pushing something out and race to the bathroom. Several times I didn’t make it. I went through many sets of clothes, towels and blankets.
Between midnight and 4 am, some of the times I rushed to the bathroom, I wasn’t sure if I could make it back to my bed, I would almost pass out. I thought I was just exhausted from the process, but I later learned it was from the blood loss.
Curiosity got the best of me, too. I would have to look at the contents after they were expelled from my body. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t, but I couldn’t not know what my baby looked like. I know the baby was extremely small whenever it stopped growing and most of the contents was the support system being built for the baby, but I had to see everything with my own eyes.
There was at least once that I slept by the toilet because I couldn’t make it back to bed. My memory is a blur, but I do know that the cold tile floor felt comforting. There were times I was very hot and shaking with chills. It was a miserable experience, physically and emotionally.
When I woke up the next day, I couldn’t stand or hardly sit up. At some point I managed to make my way to the shower, but I had to lay down. When AJ came looking for me, I was on the floor of the bathroom, towels covering me, trying to find the strength to dry off.
I asked for breakfast, a dose of iron and a glass of orange juice. I laid there on the floor eating, and finally, I was able to sit and dry off. Eventually I was able to dress, then I was back in bed.
I thought the worse was over and that I needed to take it easy to allow my body to recover. I was weak, so I didn’t stand long or pick my boys up. I did take it easy, I even took a day off of work when we placed concrete, and I did not want to miss concrete.
But a mere 10 days later, I realized the nightmare wasn’t over yet. I passed a large clot, had a bettercallthedoctor amount of bright red bleeding, and even needed to change pants. In addition, the day before and that day, I noticed a less than pleasant smell. They weren’t sure if I would be able to see my OB due to an extremely busy schedule, and I understood.
Sidenote, the night before, Owen jumped on my stomach and bounced, not that I let him, it was sudden. I really think he helped shake that clot loose, and in a way, his shenanigans, while not welcomed at the time, were probably what helped me.
I was fortunate that my doctor made time to see me. After an U/S, I saw the nurse and the doctor who told me I had an incomplete miscarriage and some sort of complicated somethingoranother. I obviously pay attention well (truly, my memory has failed me because I did know what he said).
My choices were to take a medication to possibly cause my body to finish the miscarriage, but there was no guarantee it would work OR to have a D&C done the very next day. I needed my body to be done and on the path to healing, so D&C is the route I chose. Thank goodness because with the medication, my blood levels would have dropped lower, and that’s where Being Negative picks up.
This might seem crude to others, but it's the way my science mind works. This loss flows through our septic tank which has a drain field that feeds our backyard. Therefore, I like to think that she is part of our ecosystem right at our house, and we'll see her grow through our plants and grass. This world was not ready for her, so she's living the way she was meant to be. (We both thought this baby was a girl).
