Stand Up for What You Believe In

There's a country song that goes something like this Stand up for something or fall for anything.

Let's be serious for a moment, no silly Diana.

I've been struggling lately.  Sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell, sometimes I have tons of confidence, and sometimes I wonder what I have gotten myself into.  I am pursuing something that could will affect my entire career because rumors spread and people talk.  Whatever I do, whether right or wrong, people will be different around you.  They'll walk on egg shells, refrain from telling a joke, or not comment your wonderful cowboy boots.  Because they worry, because they whisper when you leave the room...

My mom taught me to stand up for what's right.  She taught me to fight for what's right.  She taught me to stand strong even when you want to cry and break.  I saw and heard nasty remarks because my mom wanted to have a garbage dump removed from the front of a school. Rats, trash, and disrespect - she knew it wasn't appropriate in front of a school - She fought, people were nasty, we received harassing phone calls.  But she fought. She won...and people eventually thanked her.  Same school, and she didn't back down to an abusive principle.  She won, but she also lost along the way.  She lost sleep, she lost an appetite, she probably lost friends.  But she won, and people eventually recognized the wrongdoing. Eventually...

I cry, I hurt, and I fight.  What people have done is wrong and what they are doing is wrong.  If I sit by idle, they win.  They continue to treat people I care about with disrespect, and it's not just THEM, there's more out there.  I have to make sacrifices for my friends, for my future, for those who come after us.  I have to stand up for those who can't.  I have to say you're wrong, and I don't care what you do, I am not going away.

There's a scenario that I play over and over in my head where I get to express my feelings to the offender.  I know I won't get the chance, but I feel by playing the scenario in my head, I will feel justice.  

I wait.  I wait for the outcome.  I imagine the day I find out, the excitement, the victory, and I realize I am too excited, too optimistic.  What if THEY win? What if I made this up in my head? Then I am the fool, and I lose.  I lose confidence, I lose pride, and I lose respect.

But let's be optimistic.  Let's think about a positive outcome.  I hope I can make someone else what I was discriminated against.  Oh, the ironry, I wish for the irony.  But again, high hopes.  High hopes for justice.

Some think I am strong, I am confident, and I am a badass (sorry for the explicit language, but this is what I have heard).  But in truth, I avoid situations where I meet who I accuse. I can't eat lunch at the local cafeteria because I am afraid...afraid of who I will run into - what will they say...will I run the other way...will I speak up, will I embarass myself.  What will I do?  I'm not brave, I'm a coward.  I hope to stand behind someone, I hope to speak through someone, I hope to never encounter these people agian. And if I do, I will divert, divert, divert. 

So if you know me, please send your strength.  This fight isn't easy.  I must stand up for what's right, but consqeunces exist. I'm distraught, I'm crying, and I'm questioning myself.  But I must remember, Stand up for something, or you'll fall for anyting.