FOUR! An Update and Interview

My brown eyed baby boy is growing up, so here's an update on him...

GROWTH

Aidan has packed on a few more months since his 3 year old update.  He fluctuates between 47 and 48 lbs.  He also grew a few inches, and is between 43" and 44"  as measured on our growth chart.  He loves to stand up against the growth chart and see how tall he is.  He does go to the doctor for a yearly check up in a few weeks, so they can confirm (or deny) my measurements. 

Depending on the brand, Aidan is wearing 5t/5/XS/S.  Some brands I can count on being consistent, so I stick to those, mostly Children's Place and a Belk brand.  They seem to run a littler larger, and I can stay in the "toddler" section instead of the "boy" section (like at Target).

Aidan is still in a 10.5 extra wide shoe, still extra wide...  He prefers Crocs or Flip Flops, but he is not allowed to wear those to daycare/school.  He also still loves his cowboy boots, and will reluctantly put on his tennis shoes.

Aidan has had two dentists visits.  The first one didn't go so well, but the following 6 months, he was patient and did everything he was asked.  The hygienist counted 20 teeth, 10 top and 10 bottom.

Aidan still loves haircuts, and recently he asked for a mohawk after his appointment.  Previously, he would freak out if he had "crazy" hair especially if he could see it in the mirror.  Now it seems he loves crazy hair and requests his hair be styled that way at least once a week.

SLEEP

Sleep or resisting sleep has not changed, and this has been the status quo for several years.

Aidan still loves to take toys, books and his loveys to bed.  Sometimes he sneaks toys he shouldn't, like those that make noise and could wake him in the middle of the night, like he needs another excuse to get out of bed at 1 am...

Aidan loves bed time stories.  He gets to pick a book, Owen gets to pick and book, and I pick a book.  Usually they pick two each.  I'm sure he loves the book, but I know he is also delaying bed time, but I don't mind reading a few extra books.

The black out curtains we have had up for a year that I hoped would help block the sun and cause Aidan to sleep later - nope, didn't work.  It doesn't matter whether it's sunny, dark, cloudy, rainy...Aidan is up usually around 6:00, 6:30 if we are lucky.  7 am feels like we have hit the jackpot! 

Aidan would love if we let Owen sleep with him, but we really don't need two sleep deprived toddlers.

At daycare, Aidan still takes a two hour nap. At home, we have given up on naps.  We might get Aidan to nap in the car, but that's the only place.  

MILESTONES

I believe since turning three Aidan learned to ride his bike, though my memory is a little blurry.  I do remember buying the bike before he turned three, but he struggled to learn how to pedal it.  Now, he pedals like a pro, and I have to run to keep up with him.

Aidan also rode his first rollercoaster this year and loved it.  He also went down a very tall waterslide numerous times.

I like to have fun with the boys when I picked them up after work, and Aidan is great about choosing whether he wants to go to the park, splash park, the pool or go home to play.  During the winter, he also chooses Target or Chick Fil La.  I wish we had a bounce house nearby to go to during the winter, but I guess our town is too small to support one.

Aidan knows how to write his name, though he regressed over the summer when he wasn't in preschool, where he wrote it on every paper.  He now writes his "d" backwards and his "a" has it's tail in the air.  Oh well, I'm sure when he starts back preschool next week, he'll regain that skill.

Speaking of preschool, Aidan loved 3K and was sad when it was over for the summer.  He'll go into 4K this year, and we chose the 5 day a week option.

FAVORITES

Aidan loves running around and being outside.  He remembered how to swim when the pool opened back up, and I briefly considered putting him on swim team - we decided to wait until next year.  This year he has learned to go down to the bottom of the pool in the 10.5' section, diving, and practice swimming laps. We're at the pool every week, and if the weather is nice, usually 4 days if we're not out of town.

Aidan loves going to the park.  We have several nice parks nearby, and I often let him choose which park he wants to play.

Aidan is still a fan of water fights, and he will ask for water balloons often.  Sometimes I find Aidan and Owen sneaking off to go find a hose; Aidan has recruited a helper.  Aidan also likes to use water guns, and it's fun on hot summer days to have a water fight.

Aidan also likes playing with shaving cream, whether it's outside or in the shower, he thinks it's an awesome day to end it with a shaving cream party.

Aidan is obsessed with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  He also likes Paw Patrol.  Jake the Neverland Pirate and Mickey Mouse are old news. Spiderman is still a favorite.  I'll be surprised if he's not a TMNT for Halloween.  

Aidan also loves the beach and the mountains.  He gets excited when he can see the beach or mountains when we are driving.

THINGS TO DO

Aidan loves to go to the Zoo or Edventures.  He also loves trips to go visit friends or his cousin.

Last year, he was afraid to feed the birds nectar, but now he isn't afraid to feed them.  He still loves to feed all the other animals, too.

We have been to a bounce house several times, and I think it will be a winter favorite.  Last year, the bounce house scared Owen, so we only made one visit.

At the parks, we like to hunt for squirrels and birds.  The boys also like to pick up nuts off the ground and crack them open for the squirrels.  They also love to run after the squirrels and chase them up the trees.

Aidan likes to help me bake and cook.  If I make pancakes, he cracks the eggs and stirs the batter.  He also flips the pancakes with my help.  Aidan also likes to make pizza, he does well spreading the sauce and sprinkling the cheese.

We continue to go to Lowe's and Home Depot to participate in their free build program.  Aidan has improved on using a hammer, I have had less smashed fingers.  He also applies the stickers and the glue.

FOOD

Aidan eats very well.  He loves crab meat, turkey, and ham.  He'll usually try something new.  He generally doesn't waste food, and he's pretty vocal about what he wants to eat.  Sometimes he eats more than I do...not sometimes, most of the time!  He still doesn't like corn, and he doesn't want to eat shrimp - but he will eat fish.

Aidan will eat a sandwich at the park, then ask for turkey and grapes at home.  I don't know where he stores it all!

Aidan still LOVES birthday cake.  He still eats most of the icing and a little bit of the cake, but I can't blame him, I am the same way.  

Aidan still loves milk.  He mostly drinks milk and water, but will occasionally have Apple Juice, but it's rare

FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Aidan sees a lot of his family often.  Typically, Aidan will see my parents every week and usually sees his Aunts and Uncles at least once a month.  Last August, my brother and his wife moved back to Aiken, so we see them more often.  Aidan did call Aunt Amanda "Uncle Amanda" but he has learned to call her "aunt".  Though Uncle Chris sometimes encourages the "Aunt" Amanda.

Aidan will ask to see pictures of his cousin, Rosalind, and he talks about her often.  He has another cousin on Anthony's side (second cousin, I think), who is about six years older than Aidan, but he loves seeing her and playing with her when he gets the chance. He tells people at daycare that he has a sister, but he really means his cousin Autumn. 

Aidan loves to see his friends on the weekend.  He often asks if I have spoke to insert friend's name's mom to ask what the friend is doing.  We have friends come visit us to play in the mud or on the pool slide, or we'll meet at the park, the pool, or their house.

Aidan says he has a lot of best friends, I swear he lists all of his friends.  He gets excited when we unexpectedly run into friends while out and about running errands or having fun.  He also doesn't mind road trips if it means seeing his friend, Charley.

Here's a yearly birthday interview with Aidan.  Some questions required prompting, like giving him choices (like naming holidays off so he knew what he was choosing from) 

1.  How old are you? Holds up 4 fingers
2. What are your nicknames? Bowers
3. What is your favorite color? Orange and Red
4. What is your favorite toy? His new teenage mutant ninja turtle shell racer and spiderman toy
5. What is your favorite fruit? Grapes and bananas
6. What is your favorite tv show? Teenage mutant ninja turtles 
7. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Chicken, ham, turkey, cheese and grapes. Milk to wash it down
8. What is your favorite outfit? For pajamas, teenage mutant ninja turtles.  Otherwise, he said sharks
9. What is your favorite game? throwing the football, soccer ball
10. What is your favorite snack? chocolate bars (I think he means these chocolate brownie protein bars because we haven't given him chocolate bars for snacks)
11. What is your favorite animal? Giraffe
12. What is your favorite song? I had a baby turtle
13. What is your favorite book? Chica Chica Boom Boom
14. Who is your best friend? Ray, Maddox, Gus, Chase, Tenley and her mom, Kash, Charley...and mohawk.
15. What is your favorite cereal? Fruit loops
16. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Jump so high in the sky
17. What is your favorite drink? Milk...and water
18. What is your favorite holiday? St. Patrick's Day and Halloween
19. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? My monkey from Monkey Joe's (he also likes to take his loveys and other toys to bed)
20. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Toasties
21. What is your favorite movie? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
22. What do you want to be when you grow up? Police officer like my daddy
23. What’s your favorite thing you did this year? When Santa and Rudolph came to our house 
24. What’s your favorite place to eat? Fermata (further prompting), Papa John's because I like to watch then make stuff
25. Where is your favorite place to go? Sonic....I think he had food on his mind but he stuck with this answer.
26. What makes you feel happy? Fruit loops and milk.
27. What makes you feel sad? When mom is mad at me (insert mom's sad face upon hearing this answer)
28. What’s your favorite thing to do with Mom? Jumping off the diving ball, playing soccer ball
29. What’s your favorite thing to do with dad? Ride on his shoulders
30. What did you do today? We had a birthday party for me (I took off work and we spent the day together celebrating Aidan's birthday...more on that in another post)

Playing Hooky

Playing hooky unintentionally started on Saturday morning.  The low tire light came on in my SUV, and I found a gas station to fill my airs since I was on the road.  My front left tire needed 15 psi!  The remaining tires were near 32 psi which is the recommended pressure.

Sunday, my front tire needed approximately 15 psi.

Monday, my front tire needed approximately 15 psi.

My tires are near 80,000 miles, so they're near the end of their expected mileage.  I joked with AJ that I should trade my SUV in for a new one since the last time I needed tires I happened to trade my truck in (but an even trade this time wouldn't yield something as nice...)

AJ was out of town for work until Tuesday evening.  I didn't want to break down with a flat tire with the kids in the car.  So Monday, I shopped around for available tires and asked my boss if I could take Tuesday off.

Of course, if I was going to be off, I wanted to have fun with the boys.  So I asked Aidan when I picked him up if he wanted to stay home with me on Tuesday or go to "school".  Of course, he chose staying home with mom.

We started our fun day on Monday...after coming home late from the splash park, the boys and I piled into my bed and watched a movie until 10 pm.  I let them sleep in bed, too.

We had an early start to our Tuesday since Aidan loves to wake up around 6 am.  After eating breakfast, Aidan dressed himself for the park while I got Owen ready.

We had the park playground equipment all to ourselves!

They rode bikes (Owen not very long, I had to push him on the tricycle) around the track.

We played monster/chase all over the playground equipment.  

After two hours of the park, the boys were hot, so we took a quick break and went to the post office.  We needed to mail out the boys' invites, so I had Aidan help with the stamps and putting the invites in the mail.  He thought it was fun.

Next up, we went to the pool.  We were the first patrons there and enjoyed another 2 hours splashing around before I received the call that my tires would be available at 1:30.  

It was now noon, and Owen was in need of a nap.  So we changed and headed home.  Owen napped in the car, transferred to his crib, then back to the car.  Meanwhile, Aidan played with all of his animal toys quietly. 

Aidan did take a nap on the way to the tire play, so he had a 30 minute power nap.  Upon arrival, the guys took my car back and started work immediately.  The boys colored, ate snacks, and looked through magazines.  We were there just over an hour, and I'm surprised how patient and entertained they were.  When Aidan saw the new tires, he kissed them he was so excited.  

We arrived home around 3 pm, and Aidan wanted to stay home and play.  So I set up the water slide in the back yard while they rode around the house in Aidan's power wheel.  We played on the water slide until AJ arrived home around 6PM.

Surprise surprise, these boys were both out before 8 pm.  We had a fantastic day, and I can't wait to "play hooky" again.  I know we can have just as much fun on weekends, and we do, but something about being out and about when everyone else is at work and school makes the day better, like we're getting away with something.

Owen's Like Aidan...except when he's not

There’s no mistaking that Aidan and Owen are brothers, and while I see a lot of similarities between the boys up to the current age Owen is today, there are distinct differences, too.  The boys challenge our parenting skills in very different ways, hah. 


I mean, come on, which newborn is which 

But he’s not like Aidan 

My brown eyed boy and my blue eyed boy 

He’s like Aidan, he loves the water 

Unlike Aidan, he’s not a big fan of food 

Which leads to extended rear facing since he’s not pushing the limits 

He’s not like Aidan – he sleeps in, he sleeps anywhere, and still sleeps in his crib 

Somewhere there's a picture of him asleep in his jumperoo, too!

He’s not like Aidan – he purposefully bites and pinches others 

A swim suit to warn the unsuspecting people who think he's sooooo cute. :)

He’s like Aidan, he loves his dogs 

        And the zoo 

        Unlike Aidan, Owen was in love with the carousel after the first ride. 

Unlike Aidan, he finds anything to climb to get whatever we try to keep out of reach 

        And more of a daredevil 

Unlike Aidan, we gave Owen popcorn at an earlier age, and he was hooked. “Poppop” as he calls it. 

Like Aidan, Owen has to have his loveys 
        Unlike Aidan, he requires sleeping with two of them! 

See Monkey's face? And the giraffe body? 

Unlike Aidan, Owen still has his pacifier

Living with Chaos

This post is part of a blog series detailing the experience with an unexpected pregnancy and the miscarriage that followed.

Wrong Side of the Statistic

The Third

Sucks to Be Right - Miscarriage

Being Negative

Living with Chaos


I’m in this weird place since the pregnancy/miscarriage.  The pregnancy shook up life as I knew it.

I like order.

I like planned things.

I like even numbers.

I like tucked in shirts with belts in belt loops.

I like consistency.

I need a routine.

When I found out I was pregnant, I worried about my lack of vitamin intake especially folic acid (even though I average eating 6 oranges a week). I worried about my night out with girlfriends where I had margaritas and beer.  I worried about my exposure to an X ray.  

Then I worried about the petty stuff – like how will I get my body back after a third kid, will I have time to work out, will this be the baby that gives me stretch marks, and will this be the baby that causes hemorrhoids that finally require actual surgery?

But I would trade all those worries and all those petty things to have the baby I lost. I would gain all the weight in the world if it meant I was still growing a baby today.  But I can’t change what happened, no matter what I worried about, nothing would have changed the outcome.  The outcome was decided before I even saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test.

Even though I would do anything to change what happened, we won’t pursue a third.  I found my peace, and while the void in my heart will always remain, I found a way to cope with her presence elsewhere.

She pushed my boundaries from day one.  She made me cope with the number 3 (and 5).

I began to accept I would combine the boy’s clothes into one closet, and I might not be able to keep them sorted by use and color.  

I accepted that 2 would be in one room and 1 would be in another room.  I accepted the unbalanced scenario.

I accepted that décor laid out with two in mind would need to be modified for three.

She pushed me into a world of chaos, and I don’t know how to nor do I want to escape it.

So I’m trying new things. I feel compelled to do so, and I have never felt like this.

Natural Hair, Non polo shirt, colorful
necklace and untucked shirt without
a belt

Not straigtening my hair -  It took a lot of effort and willpower to try and leave my hair natural, which by the way, takes less work physically but mentally is draining. Hah.  My natural hair has no order, whereas neatly straightened hair does (in my mind).

I sometimes trade in my Pandora necklace for something of color, something that compliments the shirt I’m wearing.  Or at least I think they compliment the shirt…Pinterest better not fail me.

I’ve embraced a lot more (work) shirts that aren’t collared, aka “Polo” shirts.  I sent a lot of polos to Goodwill and stocked up on new types of shirts.  Blouses are the more technical term, I suppose.

Sometimes, I don’t wear a belt, and I’m OKAY with it.  Being okay with not wearing a belt is a tremendous step for me, whether it’s the right direction or not, I’m living in a new world.

I bought ballet type shoes, I have never owned these nor desired to own these, but I felt like I needed them.  One pair is orange (surprise!) and the other is blue and green patterned.  Patterned shoes?! Only cowboy boots were allowed to have patterns.

I’m not ready for my closet to be in a disorganized fashion.

I’m not ready to accept that it is okay to be late (on the very, very rare occasion).

I’m not prepared to mix my food or having it touch or eating different colored candies together.

But I am open to relinquishing some control and letting go of some of those oddities I felt I need to live with everyday.  Maybe I’ll go grocery shopping on a Tuesday…break my routine a little bit.

I’m living in chaos, and I’m okay being here.  I know where this Diana came from, for she drove me here, but I don’t know how this Diana makes these choices so easily now.

Sucks to Be Right

This post is part of a blog series detailing the experience with an unexpected pregnancy and the miscarriage that followed.

Wrong Side of the Statistic

The Third
Sucks to be Right

Being Negative

Living in the Chaos

Just like the days leading up to the pregnancy test, the days leading up to my 10 week ultrasound, I was hoping that I would be proven crazy.

I had hoped that I was wrong about my instincts, I had to be crazy because somewhere deep down inside of me, I hadn’t fully accepted this pregnancy.  Where else would these thoughts and this anxiety come from? Surely it was just disbelief speaking but it wasn’t true, couldn’t be true, we were IN LOVE with this baby, we were planning for this baby.

I was experiencing sensitive teeth and gums, bloody noses, the silly wispy hair, the crazy pregnancy dreams, and not being able to sleep in

What I wasn’t experiencing any more was fatigue, nausea, or super smelling capabilities.  These were key in both of my pregnancies, especially fatigue.

Week 7 passed by, and I thought, fatigue is coming.

I remember falling asleep on the car ride to my sister’s wedding shower when I was pregnant with Aidan  (I was a passenger!).  I remember sleeping again at the wedding shower while I waited for guests to show.  I was just over 8 weeks.  So week 9, right, week 9, fatigue will show up.

I remember with both of my pregnancies being so tired after work that I had to fight off fatigue on my way home.  I wasn’t experiencing this…I had too much energy for a body that was supposed to be growing a baby.

I wasn’t sleeping well, worrying, bad thoughts, bad dreams, but I wanted to believe fatigue was on its way.  

I had two nightmares – one where I woke up to a miscarriage that had happened and the next night, I dreamt the doctor told me bad news, and I followed it up with dinner and drinks with my parents.  Side note, I had been to an adult birthday party where everyone was drinking these lovely green margaritas, and I could just taste them by smelling a whiff of one, which is why I think this showed up in my nightmare when I received the bad news.

Mentally, for two weeks, I had been withdrawing from this pregnancy…trying to be cautious with my heart but telling myself I’m crazy and kept on planning for this baby.  I had two healthy pregnancies, surely I wouldn’t have a miscarriage.

So at 10 weeks, I went in for my ultrasound. AJ wasn’t sure if he could make, but given my lack of optimism, I knew I needed him there just in case…but the U/S was going to confirm I was crazy and everything was okay and the baby was growing, right?!

Wrong.  

The tech and I laughed about and agreed this little baby was meant to be if it beat the odds that it did. Little did she know I was extremely paranoid that she was going to confirm my worse fear, so her joking around and making comments really eased my mind.

AJ made it just in time – he came in to see the U/S tech hand down there moving the instrument around taking measurements.  She took longer than I remember any of the techs before when conducting the initial pregnancy U/S. So I felt relief, surely there must be something to measure, though she didn’t stop to show me the heartbeat like the previous tech’s did with my other pregnancies…

Then she told me “Your baby is not 10 weeks like you thought, it’s more like 5 to 6 weeks.”  No heartbeat, nothing to really look at the screen, no pictures to take home…well none that we would want to take home.

I found out shortly after 5 weeks, my fatigue and nausea symptoms stopped around 6 weeks.  If I was 5 to 6 weeks, that means when I came in over 4 weeks ago to confirm the pregnancy with a blood/urine tests, I would have been less than two weeks pregnant.  The freaking positive line on the store brand test was the first thing to show and a very dark line, NO WAY was I two weeks pregnant staring at a positive pregnancy test.   

There can be a week or so difference between the U/S and where I should be growth wise. So the OB tried to remain optimistic, he wanted to see me back in a week for another U/S to see if the baby grew more.

I joked, I told him I had planned on telling him that this was absolutely his last chance to deliver one of my babies.  He missed the actual delivery because my boys came on the weekend, and he was not on weekend duty at the time.

He joked that he plans (see, Mr. GottabeOptimistic) to induce me earlier so he can deliver my baby.

I never made it to the appointment, not pregnant at least.

I miscarried naturally starting around 8 PM on April 3^rd and done around 4 am on April 4^th.  I’m fortunate this occurred while I was at home, my boys were in bed, and AJ was home.

At work, I thought I would be prepared for this miscarriage happening, spare clothes and pads.  I thought it would be a heavy menstrual cycle.  I thought

There’s no stopping a miscarriage and the body pushing the contents of your uterus out.  I don’t care if you do 10,000 kegels a day, those muscles are going to push not contract.  If I was anywhere besides home, I wouldn’t have made it home, my car would have been a mess.  I didn’t sleep much between 8 and 4.  I’d start to drift off and then feel my body pushing something out and race to the bathroom.  Several times I didn’t make it. I went through many sets of clothes, towels and blankets.

Between midnight and 4 am, some of the times I rushed to the bathroom, I wasn’t sure if I could make it back to my bed, I would almost pass out.  I thought I was just exhausted from the process, but I later learned it was from the blood loss.

Curiosity got the best of me, too. I would have to look at the contents after they were expelled from my body. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t, but I couldn’t not know what my baby looked like.  I know the baby was extremely small whenever it stopped growing and most of the contents was the support system being built for the baby, but I had to see everything with my own eyes.

There was at least once that I slept by the toilet because I couldn’t make it back to bed. My memory is a blur, but I do know that the cold tile floor felt comforting.  There were times I was very hot and shaking with chills.  It was a miserable experience, physically and emotionally.

When I woke up the next day, I couldn’t stand or hardly sit up.  At some point I managed to make my way to the shower, but I had to lay down.  When AJ came looking for me, I was on the floor of the bathroom, towels covering me, trying to find the strength to dry off.

I asked for breakfast, a dose of iron and a glass of orange juice.  I laid there on the floor eating, and finally, I was able to sit and dry off. Eventually I was able to dress, then I was back in bed.

I thought the worse was over and that I needed to take it easy to allow my body to recover.  I was weak, so I didn’t stand long or pick my boys up.  I did take it easy, I even took a day off of work when we placed concrete, and I did not want to miss concrete.  

But a mere 10 days later, I realized the nightmare wasn’t over yet.  I passed a large clot, had a bettercallthedoctor amount of bright red bleeding, and even needed to change pants.  In addition, the day before and that day, I noticed a less than pleasant smell.  They weren’t sure if I would be able to see my OB due to an extremely busy schedule, and I understood.

Sidenote, the night before, Owen jumped on my stomach and bounced, not that I let him, it was sudden.  I really think he helped shake that clot loose, and in a way, his shenanigans, while not welcomed at the time, were probably what helped me.

I was fortunate that my doctor made time to see me.  After an U/S, I saw the nurse and the doctor who told me I had an incomplete miscarriage and some sort of complicated somethingoranother. I obviously pay attention well (truly, my memory has failed me because I did know what he said).  

My choices were to take a medication to possibly cause my body to finish the miscarriage, but there was no guarantee it would work OR to have a D&C done the very next day.  I needed my body to be done and on the path to healing, so D&C is the route I chose.  Thank goodness because with the medication, my blood levels would have dropped lower, and that’s where Being Negative picks up.


This might seem crude to others, but it's the way my science mind works.  This loss flows through our septic tank which has a drain field that feeds our backyard.  Therefore, I like to think that she is part of our ecosystem right at our house, and we'll see her grow through our plants and grass.  This world was not ready for her, so she's living the way she was meant to be. (We both thought this baby was a girl).

The Third

This post is part of a blog series detailing the experience with an unexpected pregnancy and the miscarriage that followed.

Wrong Side of the Statistic
The Third

Sucks to Be Right - Miscarriage

Being Negative

Living in the Chaos

Big News!

Once we were 2 dreaming of being 3

Then we were 3 dreaming of 4

Now we are 4

And will soon be blessed with one more.

(Ultrasound pic)

So come October, AJ and I will officially be outnumbered!

Surprised?

I debate how much I should share, because one day my kids could find my blog (and know the truth/what I didn’t tell them). I am not ashamed of my blog – it’s an online diary that I choose to share with the public.  It’s not like they couldn’t find a written diary in my room one day and read it.

So I share because I want to document it, I want to remember my feelings, and perhaps, someone out there that reads this went through what I did or is going (or will be going through) what I did.  

So if you’re shocked and surprised by the unexpected announcement, believe me, I was 1,000 x more shocked than you are.

Early in our dating period, AJ and I discussed children.  We both had the desire to have two kids. TWO.  There wasn’t a thought to having one child or having a large family. TWO was perfect for us.  

When Owen arrived, we knew in our hearts, our family was complete. We were whole.

After Owen’s first birthday, we made arrangements to ensure we only had two kids. We followed the doctor’s orders.

Then I felt something different about my body – little bloating, no acne, little fatigue, and not being able to sleep in (even when my oldest toddler did or when the boys had sleepovers elsewhere). So I started thinking, started plotting dates, started freaking out but convincing myself I was creating symptoms – I was being paranoid.  I told myself that it wasn’t easy to get to the point of being pregnant with the boys, that surely, this couldn’t just happen so randomly, so odd breaking, so easily.

So to calm my fears, I bought a pregnancy test. I bought the cheapest one I could find, and I bought just one.  All I need is one to tell me that I’m not pregnant.

So on a cold Monday morning, I awoke for work, and the first thing I did was take the test.  The test can take from 2 to 10 minutes to show up, and I thought making my breakfast and starting my coffee, then come back to read the negative pregnancy test.

But I couldn’t move away from the test…the first thing to show up was the line that differentiates a positive pregnancy test from the negative (line would be absent). Seriously? I’m looking at the test, waiting for the negative line and the control line, and the first thing I see is the positive?!  Shock starts to overcome, but I tell myself all of the lines must show up or it’s a false test…so then comes the negative line to complete the + and then the control line | shows up.

I stood there, staring at the test. Shaking, crying, freaking out. I wanted to throw it, call it a liar, and take another (which I didn’t have). I also wanted to wake AJ up, shove the test in his face and kick him in the rear.  But I didn’t. Side note, Aidan woke up several times throughout the night, and the last time I pulled him into bed, so I didn’t want to risk waking him.

Somehow I managed to get ready for work while trying to hold back tears and stop myself from shaking.  I arrived at work earlier than usual; I could not get out of my house fast enough.  I cried on the way to work.

Thanks to some close friends, I was able to process the news and get a better grasp on my future.  Without them, I’m not sure how long it would have taken me to reach acceptance and happiness.

I sent AJ a message, but unfortunately it did not go through.  So I sat at my desk for quite a while wondering why he did not call.  I understand he’s getting two boys ready for daycare, but I’m freaking out, you have to call your unexpectedly pregnant wife!  

AJ called when he dropped the boys off (which is normal routine), and I asked if he received the picture. Oh, you didn’t? Nope, what was it? Oh you know, just a POSITIVE FREAKING PREGNANCY TEST!                           Silence

AJ was not expecting the news at all – he was shocked too and asked why I felt the need to test, so I reiterated everything I had been experiencing and thinking AF should have been here by now.  AJ said we would get through this, we would find a way.  Then he joked that I would need a minivan.  Laughter is good.

THREE was not our plan.  There were so many things I intended to do this year – mainly all the adventures I was planning with the boys, and AJ and I going somewhere fun to celebrate our 10^th wedding anniversary. I was purging all the baby stuff; I was ready to get rid of two more big, baby items that are an eye sore in our living room.  We had hoped to finish our bonus area upstairs.  So many plans for the future…

The budget was planned around two.  The house was built on the concept of two.  My décor was nailed into the wall based on two.  When I traded my truck, I made sure I had the ecofriendly, higher MPG smaller SUV that comfortably fit two carseats.  Three won’t fit…the middle seat is barely a divider between two boys who pass food back and forth.

I freaked out, and I cried because my PLAN was intended for a family of four.

But my plan is not written in stone, and I am working on making those changes to my plan. I am happy and feeling extremely blessed. We can be a family of five, we will be a family of five.

At the same time, there’s no guarantee that sometime between now and October that I don’t cry over something petty, like not being able to indulge in an adult beverage on our anniversary or take time off of work to have a family vacation (need to save those days for maternity leave!)


For a while, I kept this quote from a blog I found taped to the bottom of my computer screen at work:

"How is it possible that I am distressed and delighted at the very same time? How is it that as I find myself ready to crumble and feel so heavily burdened, and I am snapped back to reality and understand the blessing that has been bestowed upon me?

Simple: I am experiencing one of life’s greatest miracles. I was chosen out of the other billions of women on this earth to be this little girl’s mother."

6 Weeks

How far along?: 6 weeks
How big is baby?: According to What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Started the week as the size of a Plum and about to be a Peach.
Weight gain?: No gain? I mean, I really wasn’t tracking, but I do have a benchmark now.
Stretch marks?: No
Maternity clothes?: No – I will need to acquire some since I sold every piece of maternity clothing I owned.
Sleep?: Sleep has been terrible.  If something wakes me up, I have a hard time falling asleep.  My mind is constantly running, so I can’t calm down to sleep.
Best moment this week?: Finding acceptance that my life plan was changed unexpectedly.
Worst moment this week?: Honestly… watching the pregnancy test knowing that it would tell me I wasn’t pregnant, and the first thing that shows up with the positive portion of the test.  No denying that I was pregnant. I panicked, I freaked out, I started crying, and I started shaking. (The good news is I moved past denial and being upset within a few days)

Food cravings?: None yet, trying to eat the healthy stuff while I can stomach it.

Food aversions: None developed this week. I will add that I still cannot eat barbequed pork, which started when I was pregnant with Aidan. 4 years! The sight of it makes me nauseous.
Symptoms: Some nausea and morning sickness, fatigue, periods of insomnia
Exercise?: While I won’t quit exercising, I won’t do the strenuous portions of P90x either.  I only exercised a few days because I did not have the motivation or energy to do so this week.

Gender?: Too early to tell.
Movement?: Nope, still too early
Belly button?: Still in
What I miss?: Having a sound plan.  Do you sense a theme? We do prepare for the unexpected – AJ getting injured, that was unexpected. Minor car accident, unexpected, but prepared.  Aidan’s ER visit, unexpected but again, we had means to be prepared.  This wonderful blessing - completely unexpected and unprepared. However, we’ll get there, and as AJ said when I caught him off guard with the news, “We’ll figure this out, we can make anything work.”
What I'm looking forward to?: Not freaking out

7 Weeks

How far along?: 7 weeks
How big is baby?: 
Weight gain?: None.
Stretch marks?: No
Maternity clothes?: Not wearing any, trying to wear the shirts and jeans I love the most before I no longer can!

Sleep?: Sleep was better this week…if my toddler wouldn’t wake me up before 5am, I would have a full night’s rest.
Best moment this week?: Playing at the park with my boys after work!  I love being outside and running around with them.
Worst moment this week?: When the doctor’s office called and told me that my progesterone levels were lower than they like to see. Thankfully, the lower levels can be corrected easily. I feel like I’ve been on a wild rollercoaster ride of emotions over the past week – from freaking out about the pregnancy to freaking out about low levels affecting the baby.

Food cravings?: I really want greasy, thin crust pizza, but I didn’t indulge…too much effort to go by the local pizzeria since it means getting the kids out of the car.

Food aversions: So I made black bean and avocado quesadillas for lunch all week at work. I love these, but by Thursday, I was gagging, and had to throw a portion of it away. Even though I stopped eating it, I still wound up sick.

Symptoms: Some fatigue, little nausea, one case of morning sickness.  These symptoms have not been bad or seem mild compared to my boys’ pregnancies, so of course, that only adds to the paranoia about the baby being okay (ya know, the progesterone levels I mention up there). However, I know that every pregnancy can be different and no symptoms does not mean something bad. I know…doesn’t mean I won’t be paranoid.
Exercise?: Only running after my boys – I go to sleep soon after I put Aidan to bed, which was my work out time.

Gender?: Too early to tell.
Movement?: Nope, still too early
Belly button?: Still in
What I miss?: Coffee – not only as a drink to warm me up and as a pick me up, but helpful for digestive purposes too.
What I'm looking forward to?: To the ultrasound at the end of March when I am 10 weeks.  I can’t believe I have to wait so long (8 weeks with my boys), but I tried twice to reschedule my appointment with no luck.

8 Weeks

A picture was all I could manage at the end of 8 weeks, I no longer felt like I could write a blog. At week 9, I completely gave up on the picture documentation, and at week 10, the news I dreaded was confirmed.

Wrong Side of the Statistic

http://pixshark.com/funny-statistics-class-jokes.htm

If you know me, you know I can be a smart alec and like my humor. So while things can be serious, I still need to joke, but it doesn’t mean I’m discounting the seriousness of the situation.  It means I’m coping.

So in a statistic I’m considering, there are the odds of something occurring or not occurring – success and failures.  There always seems to be that pesky 1.  Somebody has to be that 1.  

Throughout the years, I felt I have (or we have) been on the good side of the statistic.  I tried to think of several examples, but I feel if I presented some of these I would jinx myself, so I’ll refrain.  But as an example, being on the good side of the statistic is approximately 1 of 3 test takers fail the Professional Engineering Exam the first time – I was not the 1.   

For some unknown reason (maybe parental exhaustion) we skipped the hoppin’ Johns and collards at New Year’s. Apparently they kept the 1 at bay all these years.  Not only good health and success, but collards and blacked eye pees keep you from being the not so fun statistic.  Not skydiving for us this year!

You can bet we will be eating extra heapings of hoppin’ Johns and collards next year, in fact, maybe we need a mid year New Year celebration.

So anyway, being the 1.  

A while back we decided to ensure we didn’t populate the earth with any more children.  We were happy with two, and two was always our plan.  We were ready for the next stage in our life, so we took extra steps to ensure we wouldn’t be able to reproduce…or so we thought.

TWO modes of failure (methods of prevention), one mode of success (ovulating at the correct time) – BAM: 1:20,000 (or 25,000 depending on the success you give ovulation)

ONE in TWENTY THOUSAND chances.  We were the ONE.

We were expecting for the third time…

Believe me, I needed to see these numbers while I commenced my freaking out.  I needed to understand the changes of this happening and accepting that this determined little blessing was meant to be.

Freaking out turned to excitement and love…

BUT then we were hit by the statistic again.

Depending on what site you read and age and other factors, you can have a different statistic, but it’s an ugly statistic no matter how you look at it. 1:4 or 1:5, it doesn’t matter, the right side is too high, how about 1:1,000,000. Yes please, but science says no.

From excitement and love to fear and panic…

The ugly word, miscarriage.

From panic to healing, but from healing to somethingisn’tright

Incomplete miscarriage, 1:50

So I went for a D&C, where I found out I needed a blood transfusion.  I’m not sure what those odds are, I’m done googling, but at least I didn’t become some other statistic in the days between miscarriage and the D&C/blood transfusion.  So my luck has had to change, right?!

From somethingisn’tright to recovery to finding peace

Now to plan my midyear New Year’s Eve celebration for June 30th.  Anyone up for fireworks, beer and hoppin’ johns with collards? Come on over, we’re shedding our 1 luck, but please don’t plan on staying up until midnight, I won’t make it.

Sharing is helping me find peace, so here I’ll share the different draft blogs I wrote and posts sharing more abut our experience:

The Third :

• Big News! – What I wrote to share the surprising news.  My plan was to keep it a secret until we told my parents at Easter (11 weeks) and then share it on social media through my blog.
• Following Big News! would be Surprised?.  Again, the plan was two, and I think people knew that it was two…I was quite vocal that I thought I could only handle two, especially with AJ’s job and being gone a lot on weekends.
• 6 Weeks
• 7 Weeks
• 8 Weeks

Sucks to Be Right - Miscarriage

Being Negative

Living in the Chaos