Dear Owen,
As I stare at your face with tears streaming down mine, I wonder where time has gone. It seems like yesterday I was crying when I met you for the first time. Now I'm laying you in your crib and hoping to fall asleep in a bed that feels too far away from you.
I hope to nurse you every morning, even if that means you sleep less at night. I yearn for that opportunity, that contact, those smiles before I rush off to work. Give me those moments where time seems to stand still, where I can hear your noises as you nurse, and hold you until you burp and fall back asleep. I look forward to our early encounters, I know it will help me get through the day, especially over the next few weeks as we both transition to our new routine.
I'll miss our days of endless cuddles, but don't think I won't make up for lost cuddles on the weekends, so be prepared. Be prepared for kisses on your cheeks and big smiles...and big tears. I won't mean to wake you with my crying, but I can't hold back the emotion. So please, just smile at me and know that you healed my aching heart.
I'll try not to pet your head too much - I love your little peach fuzz. And I know I'll stare at your photo every chance I get.
I'll miss you so much, baby boy.
I can't remember what our family was like before you came; you complete us. I'll miss watching your big brother kiss you good bye and saying "I love you, baby Owen." before he goes to school. He absolutely adores you, and it makes my love even stronger for both of you. I can't wait to see what best friends y'all become but at this moment, I want to freeze time. Right now, I want Sunday to be every day and for you to stay my baby..though I do look forward to you growing up and all the great things you'll do. It's just tonight, mom's heart aches, but I'll get through this with the strength of my boys.
I love you baby, Owen, I love you so much.
~Mom
Dear Owen,
Tuesday came and went - you know that was my birthday, and I told my mom I wanted a baby brother for my birthday. So you're late, but that's okay, momma said you wanted me to have a few books. Somehow you already knew I love Elmo, and I really enjoyed the Big Brother book.
But I am not writing you to thank you for the books, I am writing you to let you know it's okay if you're nervous. I know you still have time to cook, as momma says, but as a toddler, you have to understand I am a little impatient and am ready to meet you.
Do you know that I kiss momm'a belly? I also often give her belly hugs. I tell her I am hugging Owen, and I am ready to actually kiss and hug you, baby brother. Momma has watched me hold my baby doll, give him his pacifier, and feed the baby. I am ready, Owen, ready to be the best big brother ever, I just need you here.
When I wake up in the middle of the night and go to momma and daddy's room, I make momma go back and get my baby doll. When I watch Elmo at night, I have my baby doll right beside me, and when I go to sleep, I hug my baby doll. Owen, I can't wait to cuddle you like momma cuddles me.
One day, I noticed momma had set up some new furniture in the nursery. She said the swing was for a baby when I tried to sit in it. So I grabbed my rocking chair from my room and put it in front of the swing. Then I yelled for momma to bring me my baby doll. I put my baby doll in the swing, then pushed the swing back and forth. But then I realized I was sitting in a rocking chair, so I grabbed my baby doll and rocked him in the chair.
You see Owen, I am preparing myself for the role of a big brother. I know I will have to make adjustments, and there will be times I don't think I like you, but I know I'll love you from the moment I see you. I will help momma and daddy take care of you. I'm ready, I promise. I know it's hard for you to understand, and while I have enjoyed the past two years having momma and daddy to myself, I am ready to have a buddy I can play with every day. I know I have to wait for you to grow up before we can run together, but there will be other activities we can do in the mean time.
You see, Owen, I know how to jump, and when you're old enough, momma can put you in my old jumper. You can jump it in, and I can jump on the floor beside you. I can teach you how to roll over, pet Bo, and when the time comes, I will show you how to crawl. And Owen, I can't wait to hold your hand when you're ready to take your first steps...but I'll keep holding your hand and keep you safe as you learn to navigate our world on your two feet.
We also have a cousin Owen, and momma can tell you how I kissed her, how I behaved when momma held her, and how I wanted to hold her. Momma says I have to work on my baby holding, but I am practicing, baby brother. I want to be able to hold you.
So please, don't be nervous. I'm ready to be a big brother. I'm ready to run to your room and get momma whatever she needs, and I can help feed you when momma lets you have a bottle. But most of all, I'm ready to love you. So please, don't make me wait much longer, I can barely contain my excitement. Plus, momma's lap is getting too small for me to sit in, and I promise it will be easier for us to share it when you're here.
Can't wait to meet you - Love,
Big Brother Aidan
Dear Aidan,
As much as I want to, I can't. I can't bring myself to cry or be overly emotional on or near your birthday. You are such a blessing, and I am too happy to even shed a tear. I cannot imagine my life without you. I couldn't cry at 12:12 PM on 09/03/11, but I could smile and feel so much joy.
Just like yesterday, I remember rubbing my stomach and walking around the house while daddy slept peacefully. I remember washing your Clemson blanket and packing the hospital bag. I even jumped into a hot bath because you were causing so much lower back pain. I cannot remember the book I attempted to read, but I remember so well how much I felt you. Ahh, the pain baby boy. In a weird way, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed walking around feeling those contractions and even the the sciatic nerve pain because I knew I was going to meet my wonderful baby boy soon. How could any pain trump the joy I would feel when I met you? It wouldn't. I relive those moments...daddy and I driving in the truck on the way to the hospital, the excitement we felt when I was admitted, and the relief I had when I gave in to the epidural. All of a sudden I was at 10 cm and it was time to push you out. In 20 short minutes, I saw you. I was in love; daddy was in love. Baby boy, you have been such an awesome blessing. I love you, I love you, I love you.
8 lbs 9 oz, 21.5 inches long...committed to memory. It helps that I am a numbers persons and can recite all of SSN's, my driver's license, and any pin number someone gives me. Your stats are a permanent sktech in my brain. I cannot believe how fast a year passed.
Just yesterday we were trying to squeeze you into a newborn outfit when clearly you were already too long for it. We couldn't button the entire outfit, but it was all we had, so we let it go, put you in the car seat, and wheeled us to the truck. Daddy loaded you up, and he helped me into the truck. We were going home a family.
Once you were home, we learned what mom should and should not eat. We stayed up late, watched football, and rocked you all night long. You were a champ at breastfeeding, and daddy loved to encourage you to clamp on like a snapping turtle. At first, I experienced pain, but it was a wonderful bond. I enjoyed that time I spent with you.
Then mom had to return to work, and that's when I had my first real cry. I loved every hour I was able to spend with you, and I could not fathom being seperated from you. But I found my routine, and I enjoyed my time that much more with you. I love my career, and I love my family. We all adjusted, and that's when daddy and I found out that we needed to temporarily share our bed with you. You did well with us. Then at 6 months, we needed to break our bad habits.
It was hard on me to put you back in your crib, 30' away from me. I cried more than you cried baby boy. I was heartbroken. No longer would I start my mornings seeing you before work, but mom adjusted. I found changing my computer screen pictures to the latest, adorable photo of you got me through the day. You put a smile on my face when the days were rough.
At 8 months, I decided I could no longer continue my relationship with a breastpump, and you easily transitioned to formula. It's like you knew what to do to help mom. I love you for making the transition easy on me; I needed your help desperately. At 9 months, our latch was no longer needed, but we found other things to connect. You started crawling up to me (thanks to tubes) and shortly thereafter, you were giving your kisses. Gosh, baby boy, you know what mom needs after a long day of work.
You fought all of the major viruses and diseases with a smile on your face; I know how much fight and willpower you have in you, and I hope you get that from me. Why be sad and sick, when you can smile and cough through it? I loooooooove your personality so, so much, baby boy. Please keep your happy go lucky personality.
Did I mention how proud I was when you had your first hair cut and behaved so well? It was such a wonderful family moment to enjoy, and you did so, so well. All these milestones make me so happy.
Can I say how amazed I was when you took your first steps? I remember the following day being so excited to pick you up from day care so we could temp you to take more steps. The excitement was like having butterflies in my stomach! After you took a few steps, you turned into a wild boy. Pulling pillows off the couch to dive into, trying to stand up in your rocking chair, and throwing toys around to get to others. Your energy level has skyrocketed, and it is so much fun to watch you become so excited.
While I will miss your gummy smile, I look forward to those teethy grins now that you have some descending. You managed the pain so well, even though you were bombarded with many teeth coming in at once, but that's what happens when your teeth wait so long to come in. Guess daddy and I will have to be careful with your mouth so our fingers aren't bitten. :)
So here were are, you are one year old. One year, one year, one year. 9 months pregnant, one year raising you...what did I do before you ever existed? I didn't know living until you came into this world. Really, baby boy, I love you so much. I have so much love to give you.
Okay, maybe I can cry. I was strong until I wrote you this letter, and all I can do is wipe the tears streaming down my face. Beautiful boy, you are my life. I love you so much it truly hurts. Please know how much mom loves you. I cannot believe you are a year old; this has been an amazing journey, and I am so happy you chose to share it with me.
But what's next baby boy?
Daddy and I want to build our forever home. You'll have the chance to grow up in the country, enjoying 26 acres of freedom. You'll hopefully be a big brother and grow up enjoying the outdoors. I cannot wait to teach you more about swimming, and I am sure daddy will teach you hunting and fishing. We have so much to look forward to, and I hope the next year goes by slowly and we can enjoy it without it surprising us when you are 2!
So enjoy your cake. Take your time walking. Think about what you want to say first. And love your dogs. Love Bo, Love SoCo, Love Cuervo, and most of all, Love us so much. Give us your hugs and kisses. Share your food, gosh, baby boy, just love, love like you do so naturally.
Mom needs a box of tissues. I never knew how much I could love someone until I met you. Love, love, love.
Love you baby boy,
Mom
Dear Aidan,
I amazed everyday by what you learn. One day, you refuse to roll over, and the next you won't stop rolling over. I never know what you will do when we get home to play, and I look forward to these special moments.
At 6 months, we have found how much you love eating solids - oatmeal, avocado, sweet peas, and zucchini. You make faces and turn away when I offer sweet potatoes. I love feeding you solids; you get so excited that you squeal with delight and cry if I take too long. Your hands are constantly grabbing at the spoon or moving around, making a fist and opening back up. You open your mouth wide and smack your lips. When you blew your first raspberry with a mouthful of food, I loved it, made me smile - too cute. I cannot wait until we can eat the same food, and you can be a Guinea pig for my new recipes. But don't grow up too quickly, I love enjoying your infant stage and it seems the first six months have gone by faster than expected. Baby boy, you melt my heart everyday. You take a bad day at work and turn it into the best evening possible. Who knew baby laughter was so wonderful.
Together, we have successfully nursed and pumped for six months, which was my original goal, and baby boy, we have another six to go. I love nursing you, the connection is beautiful and one I know I will miss when we wean, but that's months to come. I fear teeth, but I know it's all part of growing up and becoming a big boy, I can only hope that it doesn't interfere with nursing. I love your happy smiles and giggling when your nurse, even when you spill milk down the side of me. I know these moments won't last forever, so I will cherish them, despite the messes you make.
I know bedsharing can become a bad habit, and while it's only been approximately three months, I know we have to seperate. The doctor said so, though I don't want to. I love to wake up and see you lying there beside me. I love to kiss you good morning and good bye, even though you're sleeping peacefully. I am glad you don't want to be up at 3 am like mom has to be. On weekends, we nurse in bed, then play. You giggle and jabber; you are a morning person already, and I love talking to you when you're so happy and playful. However, our moments have to come to an end soon. It's going to be hard, the doctor even said to let you cry some, so please forgive me. Mom doesn't like to see you cry, but some things are for the best...at least that's what I am telling myself. The doctor also said we need to cut out the 4 am feeding....it's all the doctor, baby boy. But we will do what's best for us, and if you need me or you need to nurse, you know I will give in. Those salty drops running down your face win me over every time.
As we take these next few months one day at a time, please have patience with me as I will do the same. I expect some teething woes, some self soothing sleeping fussiness, and some stern "no's" in your future. But I also foresee you sitting up more by yourself, playing with new toys, enjoying new foods, practicing swimming, and possibly crawling. I bet the dogs can't wait! So bear with me as we get through some tough times because those tough days will be filled with plenty of love, kisses, and hugs.
I love you baby boy, you are my whole world.
Love,
Mom
Dear Aidan,
My how time has flown...it seems like yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. Now your are holding your head up, curious about your environment, and playing "Simon Says" with your cooing and "talking". I admit, the first few weeks were very challenging, and I wasn't sure if I would make it through the entire maternity leave with my sanity. But the clouds broke and sun shone through as you began to smile, interact, and give mom a little bit of sleep and a break through out the day.
For the past week, I have cried every time I think of leaving you to work. I will miss the mornings when you stretch, smile, fart, and then coo at me as I stare into your eyes and am amazed by how much you have grown. I miss the morning "Party on the Changing Table" song and dance that we do. I will miss the morning feeding - you are quick to latch on and eat, then you will fall to sleep and snack until I put you back in the crib or down beside me. Your morning routine is one of my favorites that I will have to cherish three days of week instead of seven.
I didn't cry when you were born - I wanted to, but I think every ounce of moisture that I had was perspired through my pores during twenty intense minutes of pushing. I loved you from the first sight, there's no mistaking that. But as I go back to work, I will be lucky if I don't cry - I'm sure when the garage door shuts and I back out of the driveway, when I pump milk for you, or when I see your picture on my computer screen, I will shed tears and miss you so much.
But we will get through this - we will have bath time every night, regardless of whether you need it or not. You love to talk, splash, and hold my fingers while you bathe. You are so happy that I need those smiles and coos every day. I need you to promise me that you will save some of that happiness for me when I get home. We will nurse every night before bed - I love our bond and I know it's a good routine for you and me.
We'll make it through this together...we may shed a few more tears along the way that we normally wouldn't, but we'll be okay. I promise.
Love,
Mom
Dear Aidan,
While daddy and I eagerly await your arrival, there are precious moments I know I am going to miss. Right now, I can be selfish without someone accusing me of being so. I have no way to share you, though I do alert daddy when you are kicking and moving so he can feel you, too. However, one day soon, I will no longer be able to be at work and feel you moving, turning, kicking and punching. I know I will miss this closeness that I have with you, and I know there will be many other events that will melt my heart. But I cannot help but think about the things I will miss once you are born.
I will miss hearing your heartbeat when you're sleeping, and I'm an anxiously awaiting you to move to confirm you're still safe and sound inside of me.
I will miss the morning wake-up kicks on my morning drive to work - our quiet time together.
I will miss those soft punches that sometimes cause my leg to stumble - I know you don't mean to cause me to stumble, and you're just saying hello and stretching out.
I will miss rubbing your butt and back when you press it hard against my abs; sometimes I am not sure if a BH contraction is occurring until I rub the area and you move.
I will miss wondering whether you're moving or whether I am feeling a BH contraction or period like cramping which could mean early labor. So far, you have fooled me, and yes, I do get my hopes up. Especially since I am now 37 weeks, I know labor would not be stopped if I went to the hospital.
I will miss the ultrasound images of you moving around or peacefully sleeping. I know I have videos and pictures to remember these events by, but there's something special seeing you for the first time, watching you move for the first time, and viewing you in 3D where we can see your actual features for the first time. These moments were remarkable and definitely brought a few tears to my eyes.
I know missing all of these things means that I will have you in my arms, which will be a great feeling, but I will have to share you, too. Daddy will want to hold you, and there are plenty of people in our lives who will want to love on you, too! That's a good thing...but for now, I will enjoy being selfish and continue to cherish our moments together until you decide you're ready to make your debut.
Love,
Mom
Dear Aidan,
Mom did it! I passed the PE exam on the first attempt and was quite relieved. This means I can solely focus on your arrival instead of trying to debate whether I should sign up for the October exam. Instead of studying, I can prepare your nursery, daydream of your arrival, and stay fit.
In other news, we finally decided on your middle name! We were debating between Abel and Aidan, and while Aidan might be an extremely popular choice right now, we had to go with what we loved. Having a complete name makes me feel even more connected to you, and while I can't wait to meet you, I will not wish time away. Today marks the beginning of the third trimester! I can't believe how quickly the second trimester went, so I can only imagine how time will fly and you will soon be here. I dream of loving you, kissing you, cuddling you, soothing you, etc. Whether you have your nights mixed up or if you're a sleeper like me, I can't wait - even if means barely sleeping.
In the mean time, keep kicking and entertaining me with your movements. According to What to Expect When You're Expecting, you are opening your eyes this week and might even respond to a flashlight pressed against my stomach. So please, entertain dad and I and kick when you see the light.
Looking forward to the next 13 weeks and seeing you soon.
Love,
Mom
Dear Baby,
Tomorrow marks an important milestone in my professional and educational career; this is the second such milestone you were a part of, which is awesome. You were technically just a few days old when I walked across the stage to receive my diploma for my Masters - little did I know you were growing inside of me! I use to daydream while in my Methods of Materials class about having my Masters and PE - oh how I thought the day would never come. Of course, timing is everything, and I am glad to have it behind me before you enter this world so that I can focus all of my time on you and AJ. So tomorrow is a very important day for both of us - it's not just my future, but yours, too that will benefit.
While I love the moments when I can feel you (it takes my breath away), I ask that you refrain from bringing me such joy for just 8 hours of your precious life. Every time you move, aka "flutter kick" as I call it, I want to stop what I am doing and enjoy the moment because I know in the coming months, those kicks will push on my bladder, and it won't be as pleasant and remarkable as it is now. I have no time to stop and enjoy these moments tomorrow, not until 5PM. In return, I promise not to eat anything that appears to make you excited, such as chocolate ganache cake! Do we have a deal?
I have enjoyed our journey thus far, and it will only be better after tomorrow because I can take time to read about your growth, research the products I will need for your well being, and I can enjoy all those precious kicks. I look forward to seeing you in just over a week, and I hope you're awake, happy, and full of movement...and not to modest.
So until the end of the exam tomorrow, take long naps and avoid the stress I am going through. I promise not to put too much of a strain on you - I'll leave that to the brain.
Love,
Mom
